the truth about forever

it’s wednesday

and i am angry.

i am so frustrated with—

.

who are these people?

i have her nose and lips and arrogance.

and i can feel my reputation sliding like the dress off my back,

just the way she taught me.

smooth arms and legs

just until you have him,

just until you’re lost.

.

and yeah she can yell at me.

i’m a stupid girl.

i forget things, and i make mistakes,

and she is pms-ing.

or whatever. 

.

remember when my brother moved out?

at 22, he finally left, 

though he was gone enough anyway. how did you even notice?

never here to take the blame.

but i’m the stupid girl,

and he is off to live the same life in a house where we don’t do the dishes.

fine with me.

but look, i have another brother who wants to try his luck here.

and i emptied the dishwasher and forgot to let the dogs out today.

and she is yelling.

the boy is gone, spending time with that girlfriend, making sure she is taken care of.

funny, this feels disturbingly familiar.

.

oh my eyes are burning and i want 

somewhere to go.

because no one is here.

no one is HERE with me.

that’s what people want, isn’t it?

.

i used to keep up with 

a religion that called it

marriage.

such a christian idea.

you’ll be partners, and don’t worry about it being too hard because you’re not doing it alone. we don’t expect you to be able to do that. some divine power is going to step in and bridge the massive gap between your minuscule ability to be selfless and the alien needs of another human being.

.

what if i don’t want that anymore?

i don’t need someone

to promise me they’ll still stick around when we hate each other.

fuck it.

.

yeah, i know what this is.

life here.

i saw it in the rear-view mirror as i left,

so i shouldn’t be so surprised with what i find coming back.

it is a trespass of life.

the blood spills eagerly as water pushes in to take its place.

through my veins, through my arms and legs and mind. 

lungs that caved in are now violated by its cold fingers, expanding my chest like a balloon,

like cold fire because it hurts in a way that is impossible to describe, really,

like it won’t ever stop. 

and my skin is leathery, and my lips are full and blue and contorted as i learn to breathe something that kills me.

.

this is what i have been waiting for.

the moments pass

slow.

forget.

the scratching at a door

but we’re okay.

and the pounding of bare feet against ground

but we’ll forget.

your eyes and hands are searching.

but there’s still time

to sit down

and talk. 

.

just give me a moment to decide what is important.

just teach me the words

and i will tell you.

i don’t understand how man can be so arrogant. how can he think that his sense of logic, his ability to reason, is the single greatest path to understanding? why did man assume that he is the most magnificent, transcendent, powerful, fantastic, superior being in existence? That he should say whether or not there is a God and that God may only exist in these parameters because that is the extent of man’s comprehension… what is the justification for this philosophy?